swell

let it out let it in
give a whisper
say my name
just like that
in my ear
oh my my sweet...........
oh my my dear
do that thing
we...........do
can you hear me
I can feel you
from miles away
my head it rings
my heart it races
the rush and flush
my skin is pink
you know I swell
I buckle I may I sway
what if what if I fell
begin to think...........
you better hurry
there has to be.......
can you stay
if we choose
there is a way

confidences

a song, a wind with a tale to tell…

a thought, these thoughts, I always remember so well.

you may see these words and like many, they rattle and ring true;

but dare not think these sounds make me think of you.

no, these things I see, I see from an altered vision,

I put you out; I told you so, but was not for derision.

apt pupils are not the confidences I want to find.

but where and wherefore art those like us, with this strange mind...?

alone.  alone? oh, no …promises that we never are.

we are always so close.  so close! …and yet so far.

try as I may with all my ore and glowing mettle;

the cook still scalds when chef climbs in his kettle.

indoctrinate with stealthy despot steel,

full bellied pot luck hoarders shall have no meal.

patiently I wait… been so long from last time,

when their whispers return to these hounded ears of mine.

if you should doubt, I would laugh but not at last;

for I cannot help that I have seen your past.

history is not forgot but some shrouds are blocked,

I have never been one to have the keys, but keep doors locked.

but no, they do not humor me in this, my infancy.

I long, I want, I wish then instead for apathy.

silently pout and protest as fall prepares to darken days,

then I, ready… for sleep under their dull, cold ways.

so then to end my marked confusion,

oh how weary I become of their pretty illusion.

nothing to see hear... or reason for concern.

yet I cannot reside to die compliant as dust in an urn.

October 2012

withering

even when I'm sleeping
I'm keeping
your hushed hidden counts

in between your dealings
the feelings
I try to stifle, they surmount

life as a ghost
is not for most
I'm waiting
I'm waiting

impatience, one of many faults
cavalier divine assaults
I, deflecting, defeated, delivering

hearts that could not halt
door of your lips, a vault
me lifting, suspending then withering

life as a ghost
is not for most
I'm fading
I'm fading

falling to the earth
was it worth
breathing and this new time-keeping

who knew when I returned
wings I had earned
and memories they were deleting

life as a ghost
is not for most
I'm waiting
I'm waiting

girls are not foretold
or crossed and sold
for silver pieces while heavens thunder

so friends that betray
will live long to see the day
when they fall down and burst asunder

life as a ghost
is not for most
I'm fading
I'm fading

July 2011

blood

maybe I will maybe I won't but.......
yes now I can be blunt
I've tasted blood now I want to hunt
I have this list
shake shake twist twist
do to you what I didn't get to......
been reevaluating
and the weather is indicating
it's going to be warm warm
planning a walk into the swarm
this sting that has stung
makes me simply
committed to more fun

the keys they tick they pick they stick
rewriting rerouting rewiring click click
have I said this all before
you did too and that key is a just door
yes I've heard I am so so so adored

don't tell me I don't want to know
let's just let's just go go
ssssshh... shush.
oh hush hush
how about we rush
lush lush
I want to feel the rush
there's this place where I get flushed
I know I can make you make me
blush blush

maybe I will maybe I won't but.......
yes please do you can be blunt
I've tasted blood now I want to hunt
I have this list
shake shake twist twist
do to you what I didn't get to......
been learning new tricks
and the weather turns me to that fix
there's going to be a swarm swarm
light this fire and blow the alarm
this sting has me stung
used to walk fast now I run run
is this what has to be done

the keys we click they pick will it stick
rewriting rerouting rewiring tick tick
have I said this all before
you did too and that key is a just door
yes I've heard I am so so so adored

oh tell me what I want to know
let's just go with this new flow
ssssshh... shush.
oh hush hush
how about we touch
lush lush
I want to feel the rush
this is where I get a flush
I know how to make you make me
blush blush

out of body

this face I am fronting
this lie in the hunting
game I am playing
a pretty saying
a tasty drink I sway
purposely turn away
for its easy lacing
chasing chasing
in the sheets
pictures pictures
picture this
this again
erase replace
another will I be undoing
fetching you I am catching
cold a sneeze
I will not be falling
you I will not be calling
see this what I am doing
he as me trying new dying wooing
I try to honest be not be fooling
anybody
any body
out of this body
with this or his new body
naughty naughty
this does not change what I had said
because this is all in my head

fix

how to feed this need
want to fill this hole
oh my damned soul
screaming dreaming
fix this fix this fix this fix
my best comes on the wave crest
let you in slide
oh by my side
growling howling
kiss this kiss this kiss this kiss
don't you need to feed
want to fill this hole
oh your damned soul
screaming dreaming
fix this fix this fix this fix

the worst [very short] poem yet

I know poetry
does not have to rhyme
that is how I do it
it helps quiet the voices

December 2012

prick

your eye a plant
my finger a splinter
a tiny pin prick
by this strange harsh winter
came quick
now strangely gone
now I go on
without the burden
of bad weather
kept me fecking
under fickle storms
that were wrecking
my plans they were ruining
shake these colds
I was catching
the dust of my tires
the smoke is my detaching
always we rise from such fires

chorus

my heart is heavy
can't hold my weight steady
might have to
let you
go
I hope you know
you told me so
chain smoking
feeling broken
there is no denying
the need to stop trying
you know I know
you told me so
I should have listened
is there really that much to be missing

I'll stop the pulling towards
don't need to fall on my sword
you may have to
say so
yes or no
I hope you know
you told me so
stupid token
broke me open
all that you're denying

is my cue to stop trying
you told me so
you know I know
I should have listened
right now this is what you'll be missing

narcotic

you are the cause my cause
undue the laws
traumatic and broken by the flaws
of lost lovers and of in laws
no longer heard in tape loops sounding
like Mrs. Bates in Norman's wiggy head...
and letters used to cause such dread.
a slamming door
that could end me on the floor
a tray turns into a day
that wastes away all my good...
I should I should do what I should...
not.

the cause my cause because because
I know The Know
some good things do grow
I also know too much
although with this touch I forgot everything
a nap. my mind. it brings
what if what if's...
it drifts......
to a building. bricks.
a yellow house.
where there, again!
this dream the same sun room...
but my home it was a trampled tomb
resigned restrained learning
to not be consumed
keeps away the impeding doom
a lot.

you are the cause my cause
a narcotic so exotic
if one had bought it... oh you go it
it would be so so so you know --
what you call it?
I don't have to say it
I barely can delay it
don't don't don't yes repeat replay it

I am the cause my cause
because this narcotic
is a withdrawal of my own deposit
a morosoph so dope
years of hurried hope
these tales are a slippery slope
not toxic perhaps a little histrionic
I am the cause this cause
undivided attention, not neurotic
no one but all could mix
and drink this tonic
because I cause
what quickly comes to go...
and what comes must go...
so I know how to die
and to always be both high
and low...  again, I really should...
know.

you are the cause my cause
a narcotic so exotic
if one had bought it... oh you go it
can we try to go slow slow --
will I fall for it?                              [yeeeeesssssssss]
oh how I want to want to say it
I barely can delay it
I am waiting waiting to replay it

go

I'm thinking you found out
or maybe you don't know
my mind's on you no doubt
can't help that I can't let you go
you're not the only one
who can't keep pace with the pack to run

first I'm yelling out loud
why do you act so proud
then I dare not speak a word
when I was part of your herd
your charm was so absurd

first you took your time
now you're rushing out the door
I end helpless on the floor
choking on the smell of rusted tin
the night caves in

it's fine you win, you win
you win you win again
my sin I sin again
I kick and scream but I still give in
it's my sin you win again

I'm sewn in loosely at the seams
drowning in muffled screams
never making any sense
of this life of recompense
made for acts of self defense

you never found me out
you sent me on my way
we never had a doubt
can't help that I wanted you to stay
you're not the only one
to blame a gypsy for the smoking gun

this night I will not cry
rest in peace and to home fly
in these dreams while I sleep I die
you thought I didn't try
but was you who told the greatest lie

I'm sleeping in your head
and dreaming in your bed
wishing these things dead
a life like mine ignored
by all of those adored

and I found out
it's what you're not about
that makes me have to shout
I'll go on my way forget that day
when the lights and time did sway
but your only concern, was my delay

come to go, I can't ignore
I've heard it all before
maybe I was your greatest whore
the trees burn above as my chest caves in
you fight and beg then say I let it begin

it's fine you win, you win
you win you win again
my sin I sin again
I kick and scream but I still give in
it's my sin you win again

that night I said to you
please don't try, just do
say nothing that isn't true
my friends were sure you'd tell a lie
I should have let my feelings die

everyone but you can tell
I'm in heaven but I'd take your hell
let my light dim only to see your heart swell
so this slight that you perceive
is me trying just to breathe

I'm thinking you found out
my mind's on you no doubt
I'd die to let you go
you're the not only one
who told me I should run...
and patience finally has worn thin

and it's fine you win, you win
you win you win again
my sin I sin again
I kick and scream but I still give in
it's my sin I always let you win

May 2011
rev.  201

c'est le pigeon

don't talk to strangers

but entertain the kind ones

and so I did

and so I do 

who knew

you

who my life did endanger

in that moment

you pressed 

into my chest

and whispered in my ear

there is no need to fear

I will always be here

my dear

said the pigeon to the dove

my love

my love

said the pigeon to the dove

my love

my love

said the pigeon to the dove

the elephant in the manger?

speak not of these things

but still I did

and still I do 

who knew

you

to our lives you became the re-arranger 

in that moment

you pressed 

broke my nest

and whispered in my ear

perhaps there is a need to fear

I may not always be here

my dear

said the pigeon to the dove

my love

my love

said the pigeon to the dove

my love

my love

said the pigeon to the dove

October 2011

the wager

I'm not feeling very well
reeling, not seeming like myself
experiencing things I'd rather not tell
chest is hollow, can't swallow, my head swells
lost in these dimensions in which I dwell

though we may not stay
we came to say

it's alright
don't fight
but tonight
you could see sights
that might
cause some fright

though we may not stay
we came to say

it won't be long
until they're gone
don't let anyone
make you think
you are wrong
we are where you belong

though we may not stay
we came to say

we were hoping you could you forget...
our arrangement that you seem to regret
our wager, your life, perhaps a reckless bet
though we are pleased with the matches you have met
the traps were needed our nets are set

though we may not stay
we came to say

you have the right
put up a fight
on any given night
you could see sights
that might
cause some fright

though we may not stay
we came to say

it won't be long
until you're gone
don't let anyone
make you think
you are wrong
you are where you belong

we came to say
sorry we can not stay

October 2011

invasion

a simple invasion
a way though to a new nation
you would see the look in my eyes
the distant gaze
how each time you hurt me
a little more faded
the dim light that soon
with my... completely was eradicated

it's no wonder we were doomed
still something in me bloomed
the darkness the hope
the drinks the dope
the songs that spoke
of the end of times to come

rode this retrograde
into the ground
the perfection I told you
could not be found
is gone gone gone
but nothing is wrong

you have the world at hand
and and and
it is a simple gesture away
no worries
you don't have to
have to ask me to stay

how

through it all
rise and fall
what I know
they see it now what I do
who I am what I say
talk too much every day
how I speak
my hips they sway
when I peak
make you move
this is how I love
this little dove
sweet sweet fools
as below me so I do
from above
I can hear you
my ears are ringing
as we are swimming
in the ether
try as you might to forget
if you do in time you will regret
and come back for another
memory memory a space
a place that can not erase
how I love
this is how I love
my sweet sweet dove
how I love
this is how I love
who I am what I say
talk too much every day
how I speak
my hips they sway
when I peak
make you move
this is how I love
this little dove
from so high above

double zero

always need to keep myself in line
so random things... dare not ask to be defined
not while waiting for the sutured sky to fall
can not help again to want it All as one and all in all
wish away these adolescent swimming rhymes
songs in mind from a history of fallen times
stop.  go on.  like.  to know.  nothing.  more.
keep this.  after.  I go.  need.  no less.  than I.  did before.

tick tock all the clocks stop.  one two three... like that time...
the tune in June.  that high in July.  past the wall that fall.
but in the end I liked it All.
time slows time sways... light swells light stays.

plain to see is easy to be
few belongings scattered about me
all of these I can freely let go
each problem answered in double zero
patient but distracted I go through the day
bated - a pause to then explore but what will I say
stop.  go on.  like.  to know.  nothing.  more.
keep this.  after.  I go.  need.  no less.  than I.  did before.

bent

I feel like I'm falling
wish that I was drowning
keep on going under
gasping for another
breath that keeps me going
long for an eternal slumber
why do I still fight this
need to lose your number
we were never a match
clinging to illusions
hope gives way to detach
wish I knew what it meant
how can I learn this lesson
my heart never breaks but it's bent

not schadenfreude

I know you think, I think the worst-
but all hope I have, is for you first.
And when misfortune comes to your dismay;
I'd rather there was a different way.

tale

the tell of your tale
is always a bill of sale
under the tuck of your tail
once lived my endless fail
but I won't derail
I won't derail
I'll just set sail
I will set sail

this tête–à–tête

always tit for tat

fighting brats

comparing misogynistic acts

this absurd indignation 

for an alleged equivalent retaliation

how can I not fight back

over promises that consistently retract

the tell of your tale
is always a bill of sale
under the tuck of your tail
once lived my endless fail
but I won't derail
I won't derail
I'll just set sail
I will set sail

cool

this has me turned around
always getting lost to be found
listening to the same song
the waters have been rising for so long
and no one can ever hold me down
I keep swimming though I'd rather drown

and what I find so curious
is why you turn my kindness injurious
but let others lie to bury us
then you wonder why I'm furious

and your friends think I'm a fool
cause you always come off oh so cool
but in this epic duel
remember I was never cruel
since for you there is no rule
use my compass I'm your broken tool

and what I find so strange
are these postures you arrange
you let them think I'm the one deranged
when you swore you wanted change

they say, 'why is she in tow?,
see how she stumbles there below!'
it won't matter what they know
it's you that needs to grow
and these gifts that I bestow
are what you'll need to let me go

December 2011

hereafter

eyes dart from stage wing left,
I know I will again be bereft.
from the entrance lines of sight;
up and out to the lightning filled night.

be still and hope you will to my delight.
appear- tall bright.
far outside the well kept by the miser.
metronomic...

back to the sound riser.
to break the arc, without said dark advisor.

well you know, well you know
well you know. herein, hereafter
well you know, Why my master-
these words, mark my disaster.

you and your deserv'ed nesting.
drifting graceful... complacent besting
planning your everlasting
impending,
happy never forever-ending...

not a chance to see it through
blush anew
but yes you did, yes you do,
still seek the things
I can make come true.

still. a thought.
"in heat I freeze."
and your voice lingers back home,
in the trees...
in the woods,
those human sounds "are nice."
like when the calls came thrice.

staged wings, broken;
left black and blue...
you remembered but didn't follow through.
the sway, the smile, the moment to say,
"oh, sinewy! last chance, what will you do this day?"

if you did, come through the door
like before
thick-as-a-thief, wicked kind grin
could I, can I, do I... again?
mother may I, should I, adore?
begging, dripping...   then melt on the floor

in a pool of tears, still fall faster
we can always deal
with our sin
in the hereafter...

well you know, well you know
well you know. herein, hereafter
yes, you know, how to, my master.
and these words, true; mark your laughter.


June 2011

      

maladroit

whose mind's eye
have I been long trapped in
that made me so inept
and atomic constrained within
me, a cell, the membrane
against your lid archaic
trapped as paint
in the mosaic
each second I feel
the earth turn
as I watch the stars
in the night sky burn
await the last sleep
to wake the dream
with flight that slips
into the eternal stream
freed from the door of our lips
gone the fight of thoughts so mean
that darkness of mind no longer grips
everything is at last as strange as it seems

April 2012

bigger

bigger than this smaller than that
when you are silent that's an attack
bigger than this smarter than that
another disappearance it's all old hat
bigger than this older than that
thinking you're hiding shows what you lack
bigger than this sharper than that
there is no outburst that will keep me intact

hours

all those lost and thought forgotten hours
hidden by the lies they did devour
still this path before you may give rise
until and to your ultimate demise

give the day the line as proper written
if freed by your compass all is forgiven
when one can be what one believes
they shall never fall upon the road of thieves

secrets are kept and they will rot
that piece of you innate but forgot
give the light within you time
be as thou ought - the man by original design

furies

your songs like my furies nest in my head,
they cradle this cracked heart when I sleep,
and drown my soul out of my bed.
words no longer mean so much me
but without them you know not how to be.

O! my savior, alas,
cleanse pure through flesh pin prick
you as a drug opiate high mass,
then in vein through blood divine, gasp!
Oh, do! please do! the past is past due!

angel with held scythe,
allowing such images to scorn your schools
a cruel high esoteric price.
building wine soaked flocks of fools.
with stolen silver forced moors to forge soft gold tools-

bring on more pretty boys and young lady crooks;
false homeland hoods, white wearing lying whore sages.
dancing, throwing putrid worms on fish hooks,
Babylon anew with clubbed feet in gilded cages

so courageous around your friends and tasks

but I smell their poisoned apples as I wander your haunt
examining their Janus masks
see how you are looking so gaunt
You sit so patient...
willful at the bare edge
where my doubts dismiss sapient.
...touch my cheek, remiss;
say this too shall pass
and on my forehead lend a pity kiss.

in a month, and ten and ten...
the sun sea and sand will sit so different.
indescribable outside the sight
of dust, ash and lent

skin, spine and heart tingle
bursts in incandescent anticipation,
eyes tear - awe and wonder, both mingle
avert to distant horror... that cracks the soul's aviation

when our days 

all become one -
what to do who to tell; 

who will hear what we say....
time will ripple lights will sway,
temperate seasons 

will change in our hands,
extreme alter in a day.

February 2011

wired

this bird on a wire
sitting pretty
but so tired
of always needing
to fly higher

looking down
on your homes
such lovely
glass domes
should I go through a window
it's risky to fly low

beat these tricks
break my neck
pick up sticks
eat some seed
on your decks where we feed
efforts to intercede

this bird on a wire
always trying
to fly higher
sitting pretty
and so tired

been told

long gone and never foretold
a room and the ash for the sea
what could be said of my mind
will I have done enough kind
how will my story be told definitely
by friends or in files filled disproportionately
codes from clerks and illegible notes in pages
from fifteen minute dealers certainly not sages
how will such things be sold
times when I was harshly told
be quiet,  just sleep! why can't you be still?!
reports that bureaucracy insists to instill
or lovers that met to quicken then to a quick end
is this on whose hands my work will depend
after all that must repeats to then unfold
in a room with no view so still again again was told
acquaintances we had barely seen
are they the ones who know what I mean
how will my story be told
after all that must does unfold

still

if I could only make my heart stop
let all these ills be forgot
I know what I am is little I know what I am not
how long how long again until this heart stops
when will this breath and beat drop
so long that taste it sours as the cup does fill
how will I cut this bitter swill
by all these lies distilled
when wronged by reckless will
in sleep I tried to trick the clock instill
when will when will how very long until
I can at last go fast to slow lie still